Whhhhew it’s been a while since I’ve felt like writing. Truth be told, I’ve had a rough few months that included an unexpected layoff, a flooded apartment with a collapsed ceiling, and moving to a new city for a new career.
You know. No biggies.
But I’m finally settling into the new situation and it’s really pretty good when I take a minute to look up and acknowledge that it all works out.
Because, remember: it always does!!! Life throws you some nasty curveballs while stuck in a hurricane, but the sunshine is always there waiting after the storm.
I’ve also taken a minute to start looking at dating websites again. Feeling lonely in a new city = I should date, right?! I guess, if anything, it’ll help me get out and exploring.
But first I’ve gotta explore what the options are. I’ve kept the men and women clicked on, as I learned in my last city that, for the most part, I’m not going to swipe right on a dude…but their profiles are WAY more entertaining.
Like…the fisherman who has a GINORMOUS wolf eel in front of his naked-except-for-his-XtraTuffs body. Or the dudes who think that a pick up line of “I want to destroy every chair so you have no option except to sit on my face” works.
But in my new city, the ladies take the cake for the most interesting profile winners.
It’s a no-brainer to start with the winner of all winners: the lady who photoshopped her face onto her cat’s and put the galaxy behind her. Ok, lesbians, I get it. You love your cats. But maybe don’t BECOME your cat. Or advertise this as a pickup line. Along with the shocking revelation that you’re a Burner.
Then there’s the one who advertised herself as the professional bull riding coach. I know she wasn’t serious…and while I was a skitch curious about what exactly she meant…I swiped left.
Or the one of dog and owner in matching mesh shirts. Bragging about it. Facepalm.
But there are some seriously amazing ones too. And I’m not being sarcastic in that. Like the guy who has a Tricera-Bottom shirt. That still has me laughing SO HARD. There is nothing funnier than cleverly telling people what you are. Or the chick whose profile is of arrows into a target of Trump. And last but not least, one of a person face down with arrows in their back with the tagline, “the new missionary position.”
Holy schnikes is there a variety of people out there. The weird thing about being in a weird city, is that the weirdness is predictable. People often admit to it in their profiles: I’m the typical ethically-non monogamous, tattooed, burner, stripper, co-parent, witch. I’m glad that a lot of people acknowledge that these traits are actually the normal here, unlike in many cities. I am so glad there is such a community of people like this here—it keeps life interesting, and allows for people who normally feel marginalized to feel like they have a lot of options. I actually for once in my life feel too straight-edged here. It’s an oddly good feeling to feel like I am too much of a Plastic for once—I always feel like such a weirdo outcast, and it gives me the feeling like I can truly just be myself here and no one will flinch.
It’s so hard to tell from one picture, or even a group of pictures and what amounts to a Tweet of whether you want to meet this person. I guess I go with my gut for a lot of it. And I try to see from the descriptions and pictures if they are monogamous, like dogs, remotely like the outdoors, have a variety of interests, and if they have more than one expression.
A pro tip: I highly recommend taking your dead-eyed duck face and changing it up with the scenery. When you have the same face in a variety of situations, it really makes me question if you care that you lead what looks like an interesting life.
But most of online dating involves a lot of judgement. Just read my descriptions above to see juuuust what a judgy mofo I am. I’ll freely admit this post is SUPER judgy. And you may disagree with me completely about calling these people out.
If so, I recommend moving to a city where its slogan is to keep it weird and join Tinder! The interesting crew of humans awaits your swiping fingers, your manbuns, and your craft small-batch ciders.
datelaughterz 