Well…I’m officially back to needing to look at Tinder again. Because even when it works, it’s not always forever.
And that’s ok.
Or at least it will be.
Three weeks ago I was unceremoniously let go. In the middle of the worst time of my life. Because of course.
But at least it’s blog-worthy :).
On February 2, my uncle died unexpectedly. He was one of my favorite people. My ever-faithful supporter, my cheerleader, my encouragement. The world lost an incredible human that day. And my heart will always have a hole in it.
On February 9, I took an abusive ex to court to get a restraining order. Our relationship was abusive, and after he broke up with me, he just couldn’t leave me alone and continued to stalk and harass for years. I finally got fed up and took his ass to court. And won.
A few hours after that, I found myself on a flight to my hometown to say an incredibly painful goodbye. And start putting my life into a new frame without one of the most important people in my life.
During that time, I realized I was no longer supported by my person. I reached out multiple times and barely got a text back. I’m dealing with one of the biggest losses I’ll face…and nothing. Are you fucking kidding me?! Imma guess you’re done…but she never said anything. So I just went along thinking she was distracted by some stuff in her life and I was honestly too devastated to deal with it at that time. (spoiler alert: she was…she just wasn’t fessing up that she was distracted AND was done with me.)
Upon returning home, I was greeted with news that my dog has a terminal condition. My faithful partner through everything. I made the painful decision to just keep her comfortable until the end. She deserves that dignity in her old age. No drastic measures; she doesn’t need to be put through all of that. Just the two of us loving each other till the end. Whenever that is.
On March 1, the night before the one month anniversary of my uncle’s death, I moved into a new apartment. We decided to celebrate and sit and eat pizza and drink beer. I didn’t anticipate that I would leave that celebration single, but I did.
One. More. Thing.
One more thing to heal from. One more loss. One more rejection.
And the realization: I have to date again.
Two days later, my friend took me out to eat and drink my emotions away.
Remember that entry on allergies? Where I said that I have a life-threatening allergy to nuts?
Yeah. That fucker decided to rear its head. Or, rather, the waiter decided to be a dickhole and not ask about ingredients…after I asked him to. I was assured my cheesecake would not kill me.
But it almost did.
As I laid in the ambulance in a busy city center, pants around my ankles for everyone to see while I got an injection just south of my ass, I had a moment of amazing clarity.
It could all end now. And after that past month, I think many people would have considered letting it end.
But not me. Not this time. Not this way.
In that moment, I realized I wanted to survive. I want to see what’s next. I want to see who else I meet. I want to see what else I do. I want to see what I accomplish. Who I help. Where I wind up.
My friends, life is amazing even when it sucks dusty donkey balls.
Sometimes, you get handed some serious SHIT. But…if you look closer, you’re also handed a clean slate disguised as some serious shit.
I get to start over on so many levels. I get to use what I learned to not make the same mistakes again…or at least recognize when I’m headed down that road again. And that is a fucking GIFT.
So I’m going to take some time to heal, some time to create some hilarious new memories, to look back on this past month and start framing it as ‘this one time some serious crap happened and I survived and thrived,’ some time to LAUGH and to LOVE those incredible people who held me while I sobbed and who painted my new apartment and who refused to bring me food because they are scared they will be the next one to almost kill me.
And then I’ll start dating again. And I’ll keep you posted. Because you know it’s gonna be a shit show.
And I can’t wait.