Seriously?!

Well this one is definitely up there for top 5 what the ACTUAL fuck moments of my life.

So you know it’s gonna be good!

As I mentioned in my last post, I’m dating again. I took 6 months off to be alone and to figure out what I even like about myself. It may be cliché, but it helps to know how you want to be loved and to love yourself at least a little bit if you want to find someone to join in on that love. It’s resulted in a much more relaxed and confident version of myself. Which comes in handy when weird shit happens.

Like take for instance Thursday night.

I was on a second date at a drag event—and STOKED to see what drag looks like in my new city. I got there a bit before she did and grabbed seats. Aisle seats. Because yay for interacting with live performers!

There was ambient music and some weird lighting. My date arrived, sat down next to me, and we started chatting. Soon the lights dimmed a bit and she ran to get a drink before the show started.

A blacklight came on.

To quote Ross Geller in the episode where he bleached his teeth a tad too much:  “Who has a blacklight anymore!? It’s 1999!!!”

If blacklights were old in 1999, fuuuuuuck them in 2019.

I should back up. During my recent move, I realized my wardrobe was old. Like, in tatters. Yay for non-profit life leaving me with no left over profits to buy clothes. This translated into me ripping 3 pairs of jeans. A 4^th bit the dust after my fifth sushirrito in as many weeks. So I spent the weekend prior to this date buying new jeans at a local thrift store and washing them so I could wear them immediately.

Cue blacklight.

I looked around to see what was glowing on everyone. And then down at myself. And oh my fucking GOD it looked like I jizzed ALL over my crotch and upper thigh. There was no easy way to hide it.

Dear life:  fuck you.

I almost just ran out the door before she could get back. I scrambled to figure out what to do, and sent a text to some close friends, none of whom where helpful around their tears of laughter.

I got helpful responses like:

“Well jizz comes out in like 2 – 3 washes so you’ll eventually be fine”

“BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA”

“Here’s a link to a song about jizz in my pants from SNL”

“BAHAHAHAHA *gasps for air* bahahahahaha”

Thanks, team.

Fortunately, I was being that gay kid and wearing a t-shirt with a big ridiculous scarf wrapped all around my neck…you know…because sleeves are so not helpful when you’re cold…? I hurriedly unwound my scarf and placed it over my lap just in time. She returned and said cheerily, “wow that angry little unicorn on your shirt sure does pop under these lights!”

Relief. The visible parts of my glowing jeans made her glance but not linger for too long. And mercifully the blacklights turned off at the start of the show.

So what did I learn from this? When buying thrift store jeans, wash 2 – 3 times before wearing.

Because you never know when life will trout slap you and put a blacklight over your jizzy crotch.