To initiate or not

Or, rather, how to initiate.

So, initially, this blog was going to be titled “Tinderified.” I liked how it felt like the word terrified because that’s how I was feeling about diving in. it also implies a complacency. Like we are zombified to Tinder. Like we are adjusted to this norm of dating.

I’m now somewhere in between. Somewhere between anxious over doing this online dating thing and somewhat numbed to it.

Being pansexual means that I am open to dating anyone I find attractive that is willing to give dating a solid go. But that also means that my energy may shift at times and one type of person may feel ‘safer’ or more ‘right’ at any given time during that search (once I settle in with someone, it’s all about them, no matter what). Recently, I have been solely dating people who identify as either cis or trans women. For those of you on Tinder, I’m sure you know that the options are not high in number, so I decided to click the “men and women” search option.

And I was promptly reminded of why I have had the ‘women only’ box checked.

“Brains and beauty? Meow.”

Um. Are you fucking kidding me? Does that work on anyone? Anyone who I would mildly respect?

(And for those of you furries out there, I am not stomping on you. Because this was definitely not a furry. So I’m not trying to be offensive to you.)

“Women only” could not get reselected fast enough.

Ok, I’m not saying women are perfect. But I haven’t had that shitty of a line from a woman. Ever.

But…what is the right way to open communication? IS there a right way?

Personally, unless they open with the beauty and brains comment, I’m really game to chat back with anyone who initiates. Because initiating takes some cajones.

I used to get super offended and annoyed when someone would just say “hey,” but I got over that kinda fast once I realized there’s not too much that is going to really grab my attention. At this point, I tend to stick with a simple “hey,” or send a smiley face. Everything else feels kinda corny and banal. One woman sent a “Hey! Thanks for liking my profile too J” a while ago, and I feel like that’s another great way to lead off.

One way that I used to try was this: “Hi there! So I never know how to start these things…but here are three random facts about me: 1. … 2. … 3. …” I used to think it was brilliant until I realized how awkward and lame it made me sound. Like…don’t start with pointing out this is an awkward process. Just dive in. Plus, people never seemed to know what to do with a lot of information.

So, now it’s a “Hey! :)”

But I have had some other pretty memorable first messages:

“Assuming that you talk to the horses, and assuming that they talk back and you translate for them, one question: do you use the same voice for all horses, or do they each get different voices? I once rode a horse who talked like Queen Elizabeth, at least until he tried to dump me in the ocean.”

This was great for many reasons: it was witty, it hit upon the fact that I mentioned that I ride horses so I knew they were paying attention, and if they turned out to actually believe they talked to horses, the date would be amazing fodder for this blog.

“Hi, Jon here but where’s here? That is the question or is it the answer…..”

Uh…wtf?

Then there are the indecipherable ones: “I was going to be the best practices in the world of crime and offline for a silent and a half of the world and I have to go :)”

Winning: “I see that thirst for life in your smile! So do you live out in the country?”

Losing: “Hi there. You’re cute. How are you?”

And then there’s the forward, but at least blurts out what they are looking for person: “I’m just gonna be upfront and say I’m not looking for something serious right now. Would you be interested in drinks and casual sex?”

I guess a lot of these are just me being overly judgy. But first impressions are hard to shake. Personally, I usually get a vibe of whether or not I want to meet someone when I look at their profile, so unless they really eff up the intro, I’m already wanting to meet them. The rest of the initiation fails remind me to keep my filter going…and to keep looking.