The worst pick-up line. Ever. EVER.

Ok, so, that title probably has your expectations set pretty high. I promise, I will not disappoint. And this will not be a super long post so you can get right to the punch line.

But first. The scene needs to be set.

I was at a close friend’s wedding. Ok, well, I was in the wedding. Which is always hard when you’re single. But it was a beautiful day, a perfect day to watch two dear friends get hitched. The ceremony was at a local city park and the reception was on the rooftop of their apartment building. It was such a love-filled day, and everyone there was over the moon happy for these two. During the reception, I sat down with one of the other bridesmaids to nom on some potluck goodness, and her date and another guy joined us. The other guy wasn’t exactly who I wanted to be sitting near, but I figured that if he earned an invite, he probably had something going for him other than his faux-hawk, ripped cargo cutoffs, and beater under a short sleeve button up.

Ok, so you have the image?

He pointed out that I was the only single girl at the wedding, and a bridesmaid ta boot. I started drinking a bit more. He said he had something to ask me, so I looked up and the next thing I knew, he cupped my face in his hands and leaned in. I was feeling a bit panicked that he was going to kiss me, and in retrospect, I wish that was all he did. Instead, he pulled me in close, and whispered in my ear,

Can I touch you where you pee from?”

I screeched and flailed…and flailed and screeched some more.

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!

Now, I am usually the one to crack off a filthy joke and watch people squirm, but this was beyond a line and a limit for even me.

Instead of smacking him, which to this day I can’t believe I didn’t do, I asked if that line had ever worked (I recovered fairly quickly and was kinda curious).

He winked in the grossest I’m-a-future-pedophile way and said, “we’ll see later.”

Spoiler alert: he did not find out.

I later found out that he had done a classic wedding crash, and was not at all invited or welcome there. He also had a gun on him. So fucking classy. I also proceeded to drink tequila like it was water and called the bride a guy during my speech (in front of the groom’s Mormon family. I am so happy this couple is still friends with me.).

But the even more magic part? Right as I let out my first screech and flail, the wedding photographer whirled around and snapped a picture. It features prominently in the bride and groom’s photo book from their special day so we all can remember that glorious moment in my life and be simultaneously squeamish and amused.

I could say that I am so annoyed that this happened. But…in the grand scheme of things, it was hilarious.

And I will never lose at the worst pick up line contest. Ever. EVER.

Coffee and sex?

“Would consider coffee and sex?”

The text that started this whole thing that I’m about to undertake. Five simple words really, and from the right person, are sometimes exactly the words I want to hear.

From the wrong person…a flurry of texts to those nearest and dearest basically yelling “what the FUCK” ensues. And another potential relationship bites the dust.

But the hilarious dating stories also ensue. Because we all have them. And we tell our friends…sometimes…but we all secretly worry if we are alone in these moments. Alone in the bizarre experiences that make up dating. Alone in wondering just how much more you can take of these moments. Alone in wondering how you can go on trying.

Alone in wondering if you’ll forever be alone with a fuckpile of cats.

We all know in theory that we’ll find that person. And they will be everything and more and we cling to that vision. But I sometimes wonder if we were to stop to appreciate the NOW of dating instead of looking so far to the future that we forget to sit and laugh and roll our eyes and share our stories. So, this is that platform. A platform to share the hilarious stories, find stories you relate to, stories that make you go ‘fuuuuuck dating’ but know you’ll keep trying, and stories of inspiration. Because even great dates have some awkward moments. This is a blog of early dates, before the major feelings get involved. There are plenty of relationship-bashing blogs out there that for sure have their place. God knows I have enough of those stories. But this is meant to be lighter and tell the weird side of dating framed in humor. Because my worst dates are also my best stories. As a person who has been single for a good portion of their adult life, I have found that many of my in-a-relationship-friends yearn for the mystique of the single life. This is the platform where we can show off dating in a format that actually makes it desirable and gives us a stomach to keep going forward with it, and is also enjoyed by those in relationships.

***

Ok, so sex and coffee guy. Or coffee and sex guy. At least he knew which thing to offer first?

I should begin this bad dating story with saying how high my hopes were for this one. We met on that glorious app named Tinder, and he looked cute and interesting. He messaged me first and asked if I remembered meeting him a summer earlier. I was up front in saying that I had no clue who he was, but I was in a weird place that summer, so I told him to not take it personally. That was my red flag. He just wasn’t that memorable to me. Even though when I met him I was in a long-term relationship, I would have remembered a cute, funny, interesting guy…right? But we agreed to meet up the following week. After I gave him my phone number for convenience (cause who likes messaging over Tinder?!), he called me. I was a bit taken aback—who the hell uses their phone as a phone anymore? But we wound up having a great conversation that lasted for about an hour and a half. I hung up feeling that warm fuzzy excitement of ‘oh man—could this be The One?’

Oh dating. We all jump to that moment so early on…

The night arrived, and I was excited. We agreed to meet up at a coffee shop (he doesn’t drink. Something about being above it. Second red flag. Being an alcoholic and refraining is totally fine…but because he’s ‘above drugs and drinking?’ Douche.). I arrived and started looking around for the guy. It occurred to me that the guy who looked nothing like his picture was standing there with a big smile on his face.

Fuck.

I steeled myself, kept my sunglasses on for too long once we got inside to hide the curtain of disappointment falling, and then tried to remember to not judge people on appearances. Shoulda just walked away.

But hope. That stupid thing called hope.

To keep this a readable length, here are the highlights:

  1. He’s never watched The Simpsons. And has no desire to. Similar to drugs and alcohol, he’s above it. Who the fucking fuck is above watching The Simpsons?! I literally frame my life around that show. Well, that show, Friends, Seinfeld, and How I Met Your Mother. It’s not necessarily that he’s never seen a cartoon show…it’s the attitude about it, and the cultural references that are missed.
  2. I was willing to overlook The Simpsons situation, but then came the viewpoint on a relationship. Not ever wanting to move in with someone, even your wife, is not the norm. Which is fine. Ok. Well, no, it’s not fine. What’s not fine about it is that you don’t even give the other person a right to an opinion. My last partner had this mindset, and it drove me nuts—but unfortunately, he didn’t express it until 2 years in. Major props to this guy for spilling it in the first hour (also, for those HIMYM fans, “Major Props!” *salute. See?!!?!?!? Cultural references. Important.). This was his mindset and it wasn’t changing. Another red flag: not being open to your opinions and desires. Already.
  3. Later, after I got home, I got a text from him of a gorgeous underwater photo that he took. It softened my opinion of him…until he said “In case it wasn’t clear, totally trying to get in your pants via invertebrate photos.” Facepalm. With the right person…totally woulda worked (I’m a marine scientist). But…read the room. You went in for a kiss and I turned my face and hugged you.

So all that leads to the title of this post. I decided to make my position firm and say that I’m not interested in dating you, and when I said I could be open to the occasional coffee, he then texted “Would consider coffee and sex?”

I steeled myself the next day to (wittily) reply with “No. Please consider losing my number.”

Sigh. Dating.

But. You can’t make this shit up. And that’s what makes dating so delightfully dreadful and fun. You never know where it goes, and when you get a text that bad, you can only laugh, tell all your friends, and then listen when one of them goes “you should write a blog.”

So here I am. Writing a blog to keep dating on the light side. Because it is soul sucking.

As a brilliant former co-worker once said to me after a particularly painful breakup, every relationship is a trainwreck. Until it isn’t.

And. We’ll all get there.

Right?